Best Practices for Rescuing Your Marriage**

1. Understand love is primarily a choice, not a feeling. It’s great when you experience the feeling but there will be times you don’t even feel you like your spouse. Love should be unconditional – your spouse does not have to do or be anything in order to be the object of your love. An added bonus is that unconditional love is a powerful tool for change.
2. Decide what you have to do to reconnect with your spouse and do it. You cannot change your spouse as you probably already know. Honestly, you haven’t had much luck changing your spouse anyway, have you?
3. Examine your expectations. No one is perfect or even practically perfect. Like everyone else, you and your spouse have excellent parts as well as weaknesses. Weaknesses are simply opportunities for growth. Get growing! And behave in ways that encourage your spouse to grow.
4. Accept your spouse “as is.” Don’t demand change. This says more about your personality than it does about your spouse’s behavior. All you really get is a good defense, right? Change “demand” to “prefer.” If you prefer change you can ask for it without controlling. Your spouse is then free to respond without defensiveness.
5. Give up the idea that the trouble is a “communication problem.” The real trouble is you don’t like what is being communicated. Or the “communication” stops relationship building communication. Avoid criticism and mean-spirited talk. Change complaints to requests. Instead of “You never talk to me,” say “I would really like it if we could spend more time together.”
6. Focus on the positive. Perform “random acts of kindness” even if it feels forced. Marriage researcher, John Gottman says it takes five positive experiences to overcome the effects of one negative experience in a marriage. Your “marriage account” may need deposits.
7. DO NOT make sex a weapon. Many women need to feel loved to want to have sex and many men need sex to feel loving. Unfair, but there it is. Give what your spouse needs. Good sex requires attention, planning and healing what gets in the way.
8. Make building trust a focus. Trust building happens with the assurance each has the other’s best interests at heart. Show your spouse that you do by assuming good intentions behind behavior.
9. According to John Gottman, there are four things to avoid like the plague in a marriage. They are criticism, contempt, withdrawal and stonewalling. If these behaviors are occurring in your relationship seek professional help.

** If you are experiencing domestic violence DO NOT follow these guidelines. Please call your local HELP line or a shelter. For help and/or directions to a local shelter call the Chicagoland Domestic Violence help line at 877/863-6338.

If this article has raised some questions or if you¹d like to contact one of us about another issue, please give us a call or send us an email.

Dr. Rose Boldt, Psy.D. 847-951-7673
Rose.Boldt@longgrovepsych.com

Dr. Chris Decker, Psy.D., LCPC  847-347-9521
Chris.Decker@longgrovepsych.com

Gretchen Harro, MA, LMFT 847-312-2828
Gretchen.Harro@longgrovepsych.com

Dr. Nicole Hoffman, Psy.D. 847-821-1442
Nicole.Hoffman@longgrovepsych.com

Long Grove Psychological Associates
211 Robert Parker Coffin Road
Long Grove, IL 60047

For more information about our practice and specialties go to www.longgrovepsych.com.

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